Through my counselling work with young people, I have come to recognise that difficulties with school attendance are not always straightforward. While some young people can identify what makes school difficult, others may struggle to understand why the thought of attending leaves them feeling anxious or overwhelmed.
School is only one part of a young person's life. Their relationships, experiences and wider circumstances may all influence how they feel, sometimes in ways that are not immediately apparent.
More than just school attendance
As young people grow and develop, they are beginning to discover more about who they are, where they belong and how they relate to the world around them. There can be a growing desire for independence, alongside a continuing need for reassurance, acceptance and connection.
School is one of the environments where these changes are experienced. Friendships, peer relationships, expectations and the pressure to fit in can all influence a young person's developing sense of identity and self-worth.
For some, navigating these changes can feel particularly difficult, especially when they are unsure of themselves or struggling to find their place.
There may also be other difficulties, such as family changes, health concerns, academic pressures or aspects of the school environment that feel overwhelming. Several things may be happening at once, and it is not always possible to identify one clear reason why school has become difficult.
When the feelings are difficult to explain
One thing I have noticed through my counselling work is that young people do not always have the words to explain what they are experiencing. They may know that something feels wrong or overwhelming without understanding why.
Young people have shared with me how the thought of going to school can bring feelings of anxiety or panic, alongside physical sensations such as nausea, a racing heart or an overwhelming urge to escape the situation. These feelings can be difficult to understand, particularly when there is no obvious explanation for them.
When something is experienced as threatening, the body's natural fight-or-flight response may be activated. This can happen automatically, without a young person consciously recognising what feels threatening. The sense of danger may be connected to something happening around them, or to what they fear might happen.
Avoidance can then become a way of protecting themselves from feelings that are difficult to manage. Staying away from school may bring temporary relief, but where anxiety about school is contributing to the difficulty, that relief can sometimes make returning feel even harder.
What feels threatening or unsafe to one young person may not feel the same to another. There may be genuine concerns about safety, relationships or the school environment that need to be recognised and addressed. At other times, the sense of threat may arise from how a young person anticipates or experiences a situation, even when there is no immediate danger.
What I have come to recognise is that avoidance may tell us something about how a young person is experiencing their world, even when they cannot yet explain it themselves.
Seeing the whole young person
When a young person is struggling with school attendance, it is understandable that this becomes the main concern. But there is much more to a young person than the difficulty they are experiencing.
In my work, I have found that exploring what young people enjoy, where they feel comfortable and the relationships that matter to them can be just as valuable as talking about what is difficult.
What matters to them? What do they enjoy? Where do they feel most comfortable? What feels difficult, and what helps?
These conversations can offer a broader understanding of their world, including their strengths, interests and the things that give them a sense of belonging.
Finding their voice
Young people do not always have control over the expectations and routines that are part of everyday life, including school. However, their experiences, thoughts and feelings remain important.
It can be valuable for young people to explore what feels within their control, what they may be able to influence and what is outside their control.
This might involve recognising what helps them feel more comfortable, identifying people they trust or beginning to find ways of expressing what they are experiencing.
It is not necessarily about changing the circumstances around them, but about helping young people develop a greater understanding of themselves and recognise that their voice matters, even when they cannot change everything happening in their lives.
How counselling may help
For some young people, talking to someone outside their everyday life can feel different. A counsellor does not come with the same shared history or relationships as the people who know them.
Counselling can offer something like a blank page, a space where a young person can explore their thoughts, feelings and experiences without needing to have an explanation or provide particular answers.
Through talking and reflecting together, a young person may begin to recognise connections they had not previously considered or find new ways of understanding what they are experiencing.
There is no expectation that a young person will arrive knowing what is wrong or how to change it. Understanding can develop gradually, at their own pace.
When a young person is struggling to attend school, there may be more happening than any of us can initially see.
Perhaps the most valuable place to begin is not with an answer, but with the opportunity for a young person to explore their experiences without feeling they have to provide one.
I am Nicky, an integrative counsellor working with young people aged 11 and over, face-to-face in Ash, Surrey, and online. I also provide counselling within a secondary school setting through a local charity.
If your young person is finding school difficult and you are wondering whether counselling might help, I offer a free introductory phone call where we can talk things through and explore whether working together might be right for them.
www.fairchildcounselling.co.uk
